Bein' the Command.Com

By Julia_Cat and MG

Chapter 1

Dot was sitting in a boardroom, idly tapping her fingers on the table in front of her. She was getting quite tired of listening to everyone argue about her command.com-ness. 'Press meetings are not exactly my cup of tea,' she thought to herself as yet another person stood up to say his speech.

"Ladies, gentlemen, binomes and subroutines, I come before you today to... *snap* *crackle* *pop* Oops. Let me get that." The binome blushed as he spilled his water on the microphone. Contrary to popular belief, he was not eating Rice Krispies. "*ahem* Sorry. Now I come before you to say... how can we allow dogs to piddle on our property? I ask you! Our yards are not their bathrooms! And furthermore!...what? Why're you all looking at me like that? This is the animal discrepancy press meeting....right?"

Meanwhile, everyone else assembled was trying to contain their laughter. Finally Dot managed to find the decency to correct the poor creature. "Sir?" she managed to say between giggles. "That's three doors down. This is the press meeting that these morons decided to have to question my abilities as a female Command.Com."

"Oh... heh heh heh... sorry," the binome muttered, then dashed out the door and three doors down.

A stunned silence followed in the boardroom. Dot then cleared her throat. "Um..." she said, "any more questions before we terminate this session?"

As if to punctuate her statement, a television reporter in a trench coat shoved a microphone in her face. "Ms. Matrix. Is it true that you were not doing your job at 03:00 hours last night?"

"I was asleep! What, you expect me to work twenty four milliseconds a second?! Are you mad?!"

A murmur went through the boardroom as the interviewer started shaking. "Uh.. that'll be all... Ms. Matrix."

Another binome came up beside her and shoved yet another microphone in her face. "Ms. Matrix... now that you're the official Command.Com of Mainframe, What exactly do you plan to do with your time? Play PONG? *snicker*"

"That's IT! This press conference is OVER!" With that, Dot stormed out of the room, down the hall, waited patiently for the elevator, rode it down, then stormed out of the building.

***

On her way back to the Principal Office, Dot overheard some binomes talking about her. She stopped and listened in on their conversation.

The first binome was laughing wholeheartedly. "Yeah," he was saying, "I'll bet that she's going to paint the Principal Office pink now!"

The binomes rolled over on the ground, laughing, and finally another one said, "Can't expect her to protect us from games, she's liable to break a nail!"

"Female Command.Com? Ha! I'll bet she'll be wanting us to pay extra taxes to buy her makeup!"

At this point, Dot decided to step into this little foray. "I don't care what you say about me! I'm going to take up my post, and I'll do so with pride! I'm going to do my best to defend Mainframe with or without your support!" She then continued storming her way off to the Principal Office, leaving a few snickering binomes in her wake.

***

Dot walked into her office and slumped down into her chair with a sigh. Then she saw that two bodyguards were standing at the door and Phong was installing some kind of device behind them. Curious, Dot got up and walked over to him. "Phong, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm installing a metal detector, my child. Being the Command.Com has its dangers. People trying to kill you with pitchforks and torches is one of them. I'm merely trying to protect you."

"By putting bodyguards in my office? What good's that gonna do?! Why don't you put them outside my office?"

"I had never thought of that. Thank you, Dot. I will finish this task and then come and talk to you about... what?"

Dot just shook her head and walked off in the direction of the diner.

Chapter 2

As she was walking, Dot passed a news stand. Two binomes were just unloading the latest issues of The Mainframe Tattler from the back of a truck. As the stack of papers hit the ground, Dot's jaw practically did the same.

***

Dot burst through the swinging doors at the diner so hard she nearly took them off their hinges. She spotted Bob and Matrix sitting at the counter, and hurried over to them. "Did you two see this?!" she asked, waving a copy of The Tattler at them.

Matrix took the paper and read aloud from the front page. "Mainframe men's organizations plan massive protest against female Command.Com."

Bob tried to laugh it off. "Dot, that doesn't mean anything! You know The Tattler is only a tabloid. That article probably doesn't have a bit of truth in it. No one's going to take it seriously."

Just then, Enzo ran in. "Hey, Bob," he called out with impeccably bad timing, "Did you see the latest issue of The Tattler? They're gonna try and get Dot kicked out of office!" He skidded to a halt and tried to hide a copy of the paper behind his back as he saw Dot, but the damage had been done.

Dot crossed her arms and looked at Bob. "So, no one will take it seriously, huh?"

The guardian shrugged and tried to explain. "Look, Dot, you've got to understand. It's only natural that some people will question your ability to handle the job."

"But why should they?" Dot asked. When she didn't get an answer, she continued, "I was acting Command.Com all through the war with Megabyte. Of course I can handle the job! There wouldn't be a Mainframe any more if it weren't for me!"

Bob was starting to look offended. "Hey, you don't have to yell at me!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," apologized Dot. She hadn't meant to raise her voice so much. "I've just had a bad morning. You know, it certainly wouldn't have hurt if any of you had come to the press conference to be supportive."

"That's women for you," Matrix sighed. "Supportive this, emotions that."

"Always needing help with something," added Bob.

"And they've got cooties!" Enzo chimed in.

"That's it! Enough! I won't stand here and listen to any more of this!" This time Dot didn't care if she was screaming in front of the customers.

"Dot, calm down!" pleaded Bob. "I'm sure you'll be a great Command.Com. You know, for a girl and all."

On her way out, Dot pushed the doors open so hard that this time they did fall off their hinges.

Matrix turned to Bob. "Now you've done it..."

Bob's face became pale as he remembered how long his last big fight with Dot had lasted. "Um... Do they make Holomark cards for things like this?"

***

Bob walked up the hallway to Dot's office. He was reading and re-reading the Holomark he had finally picked out after spending what seemed like minutes wandering around the "I'm-too-chauvinistic-to-admit-you're-better-than-me" section of the card store. The guardian had settled on one that said, "I'm sorry I questioned your ability as a leader just because you're a woman breaking into career fields which are traditionally male-dominated," but Bob still had the feeling there may have been one he missed that better fit the situation.

"I guess this'll have to do," Bob said to himself as he approached the office door. He had been so preoccupied with the card he didn't even notice the extra security until he heard a little beeping sound.

"I'm sorry," said one of Dot's new binome bodyguards, "But you'll have to step back and go through again."

"Excuse me?"

"You'll have to step back and go through the metal detector again, sir. We can't let just anybody into the Command.Com's office without a thorough security check."

"But I'm Guardian 452!"

The binome gave him a blank look.

"You know, Bob! Defender of Mainframe! You must have heard of me!"

"I'm afraid I haven't. Now, if you'll kindly step back through the metal detector and remove any keys or loose change from your pockets..."

"I don't have any change!" Bob was getting quite frustrated by this time. "I don't even have any pockets! And your metal detector is always going to beep at me because MY WHOLE SUIT IS MADE OF METAL!"

"Uh-huh, that's what they all say."

This surprised Bob. "They do?" he asked.

"Yep. And the last guy who used that line was just trying to sneak in a pitchfork," answered the guard. Then he turned to his partner, who was positioned on the other side of the door. "Can you call for backup, Charlie? I think we're gonna have to do another strip search."

Bob dropped the card and ran down the hall as fast as he could.

Chapter 3

Dot lifted her head as one of her binome bodyguards came to her door. "Yes? What do you want?" she asked flatly.

"Um, Ms. Matrix, a male blue Sprite claiming to be Bob the Guardian wanted to come in here before." The bodyguard snorted. "Claims to be someone named Bob the Guardian? What a schmo. Anyway--"

"Schmo?!" Dot asked, repulsed. "He's my BOYFRIEND for User's sake!"

The bodyguard suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Well, *ahem*, we didn't let him through the metal detector because he claimed his entire suit was made out of metal. We can't take any chances, you know..."

"You... you... IDIOT! Get out of my office!" Dot yelled, angered.

"But... but... he left this card and..."

"Leave the card here and GO!"

The binome hastily retreated to his post and Dot sighed as she picked up the card. She read the front aloud: "Yes, I'll admit it, I was wrong and you were right. I'm just too chauvinistic to admit it." She opened the card and Mike popped up out of it.

"It's a hologram by Holomark! When you care enough project the very best, send Holomark."

Then the hologram of Mike faded and a fuzzy hologram of Bob popped up. He put on his dorkiest smile and began his recitation. "*ahem* Roses are red, violets are blue... umm... I forget the rest. Anyway, Dot, what I'm really trying to say is I'm sorry I questioned your ability as a leader just because you're a woman breaking into career fields which are traditionally male-dominated. Love ya!" The card then went blank and disappeared into a surge of static. Dot wiped away a tear, and headed on over to Phong's office to have a little talk with him about the bodyguards.

As soon as she tried to get through the door, the metal detector went off. "Excuse me, miss, but you'll have to go through again," said one of her bodyguards.

Dot snorted. "But I--"

After doing a quick search the bodyguard shrieked, "AHA! A gun! I'm sorry, but you'll have to give that to me."

Dot spluttered. "You.. you... BASIC BINOME!! I'M the command.com!"

The bodyguard just rolled his eye and said, "Suuuuure you ar- Oh. Yes, sorry, Ms. Matrix... heh heh heh... You can go on your way now..."

The metal detector beeped again as Dot went through the doorway, and she walked away, muttering something about hard-headed binomes.

***

Dot stormed into Phong's office with a look of pure determination on her face. "Phong. We need to talk," she stated rather loudly.

The wise Sprite looked up from his cup of cocoa. "What is troubling you, my child?" Phong asked innocently.

Dot gave Phong a wry look, and said, "My bodyguards are basic, and the metal detector beeps when everyone come into my office. Even me! BINOMES are made of metal, Matrix and I carry a gun, and Bob's entire SUIT is made out of metal! Even you're made out of metal, oh wise one!" She thought for a nano. "Plus this propaganda this tabloid put out is starting to get on my nerves. Who wrote that article anyway?!"

Phong started whistling nervously and tried rapidly to change the subject. "My child," he stuttered, "Even the rarest flower that blooms in times of peace, wilts in times of adversity."

"Huh?" Dot asked, totally befuddled.

Phong took a deep breath. "Girls are lousy leaders." He winced as he saw the look on Dot's face turn from one of irritation to one of unmatchable fury. "I mean... umm..."

Dot just sat there, speechless.

"Oh, look at that! I have to go check on my windshield collection! It's past 15:00 hours. They must be dry!" Phong cried, and then promptly rolled away.

Dot merely shook her head and meandered out of Phong's office.

***

Meanwhile, outside the Principal Office, a small group of picketers had gathered. Okay, five. "DOWN WITH DOT!" they cried in unison. They held picketing signs as well as torches and pitchforks. A binome who held a sign that read "THE PEOPLE WANT BREAD" took the head and faced the group. "Do we want the Principal Office painted pink?" he yelled.

"NO!" the small group shouted.

"Do we want to pay extra taxes for frivolries?"

"NO!"

"Do we want Dot to be kicked out of office?"

"YES!" the few answered.

The exaggeratedly small group of picketers yelled out a battle cry and ran up the Principal Office. They then knocked politely on the door.

"Who's there?" a voice inquired from within.

"It's an angry mob, sir."

"Alright, come on in."

The door opened and the very small group stormed into the Principal Office.

Chapter 4

Bob ran as fast as he could from Dot's office. He turned a corner at top speed only to find a mob of five angry-looking binomes running as fast as they could toward Dot's office. Bob mistook them for the strip search team and did an about-face. In a bit of a panic (he didn't even want to begin imagining what the torches and pitchforks were for) he ran right back around the corner, trying to keep ahead of the pseudo-riot.

***

Meanwhile, the angry mob was suddenly realizing they hadn't planned very far in advance.

"So now that we're storming the Principal Office, what exactly do we do?" asked a zero binome as he ran alongside the binome who had been leading the protest.

"Uh... We... We follow that blue guy!" the leader replied, pointing to the fleeing Bob. "He looks pretty scared already. He should be easy to bully with our mob tactics."

"Oh. Okay," said the zero binome as the group barreled around the corner in pursuit of the guardian. "I can do that. It's just--"

"Yes?" questioned the leader.

"It's just this pitchfork you told me to bring. My mother always said not to run with pointy objects."

"More feminine-type propaganda!" scoffed the lead binome, without even slowing to a jog. "I give the orders around here, and I say CHARGE!"

"CHARGE!" echoed his four followers, waving their pitchforks and torches proudly as they ran.

***

The two security binomes who had been stationed outside of Dot's office were lost in deep thought. They were about to make their most important decision of the day.

"So, Charlie, what'll it be? The cruller or the jelly-filled?"

As they carefully examined the contents of the doughnut box, Bob bolted right through their security checkpoint. The metal detector beeped out its usual greeting, and then came the sound of the office door slamming shut behind the guardian.

"Did you hear something?" Charlie asked as he reluctantly looked up from the box.

"Don't worry about it," answered his partner. "It was probably just the wind blowing the door shut."

"But how could the wind set off the metal detector?"

"User, Charlie, I don't know. Maybe it was blowing around some tinfoil or something. Would you just choose a doughnut already?"

Charlie shrugged and took a cruller.

***

Dot was sitting at her desk reviewing a supply request from the CPUs when Bob burst into her office and slammed the door.

"Quick!" he panted, "Let me use your desk! I need to barricade the door! There's an angry mob chasing me!"

"An angry... what?" asked Dot.

"Mob!" screamed Bob. "An angry mob of binomes! They want to strip search me!"

Dot was trying very hard not to laugh, but she couldn't quite help herself. Just as she was about to ask what in the Net the guardian was talking about, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asked Dot.

"We're an angry mob, ma'am. May we come in?" came the reply from the other side of the door.

"See? I was telling the truth! Don't let 'em in!" Bob was excitedly jumping up and down, and was actually starting to remind Dot of little Enzo.

"You know, I wasn't planning on it, Bob," she sighed.

There were some muffled voices outside the office, and then the original voice spoke up again. "Did I say angry mob? Because I meant to say... scout group. Yes, we're a scout group, and we'd like to come in and sell you some cookies."

"Oh, in that case, come right in," said Bob. Dot just shook her head sadly as she watched her boyfriend open the door. Sure enough, there was an angry mob on the other side. Well, sort of.

"Four binomes? That's what you were so scared of, 'Mr. Defender of Mainframe?'" Once again Dot found herself resisting the urge to laugh out loud.

"Well, there used to be five," Bob pouted, crossing his arms stubbornly.

"Yeah, well, about that," the lead protester explained, "We sort of lost Greg back there. He tripped and... well, he kinda impaled himself on his pitchfork. You might want to get a cleaning crew to take care of the mess."

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to run with pointy objects?" Dot reprimanded. "It's only funny 'til somebody loses an eye."

Chapter 5

Meanwhile, in another part of the Principal Office, Phong pondered what Dot had said about the security guards. Pulling slightly on his beard, he pondered actually going to check on these security guards to see what exactly they were good for. After all... how bad could it be?

He slowly rolled his way towards Dot's office, and what he saw made him stop dead in his tracks... or whatever Phong's roller has. He saw, sitting, or rather, slouching, in the chairs, two bodyguards, asleep at their posts, a doughnut box at their feet. Upon closer inspection, Phong realized that one of them had powdered sugar all over his mouth, and the other had several large jelly stains on his suit. Phong sighed, realizing that the female leader had in fact been right. On a whim, he rolled over to the doughnut box and peered over the edge.

"Eugh!" he exclaimed. "They always leave the custard-filled ones!" He then picked up the doughnut box at arm's length, and disposed of it. We never really found out how. Just trust us on this one. He decided to deal with these guards once and for all...

***

From the other end of Mainframe, a voice that was distinctly Matrix's cried out, "Ew! Custard!"

***

As we all know, Dot has a way with getting everyone else to do the dirty work. By some unknown way, Dot managed to get Bob to take care of the angry mob, without his even knowing it. When she left her office, she had Bob holding an acoustic guitar, singing country music, completely ignoring the tortured screams of the incredibly small number of members of the angry mob.

Smiling in satisfaction, Dot walked off towards the Diner.

***

Phong glared at the two security guards, who still yawned sleepily. "It seems our *incoherent negative comment* Command.Com thinks that the metal detector was a bad idea," he said, eyeing the two suspiciously.

One of the guards cleared his throat. "Oh, I assure you, Phong. Our metal detectors are top-notch. They would have let us know if anyone or anything entered Dot's office. We would have noticed, surely, if it beeped." The guard opened the door. "See? Only Do-"

He was cut off as he heard very off-key singing and binomes wailing. He peered into the door and saw binomes waving pitchforks and torches in the air while Bob was strumming an acoustic guitar, singing a very off-key version of a Garth Brooks song. Phong entered and abruptly shut off the metal detector. Everything went silent and the angry mob fled the Principal Office. The security guards were never seen again.

***

Dot walked into the Diner, and the first thing she saw was Matrix muttering to himself as he pulled out his gun. "Matrix! Put that down!" she cried. But it was too late. The trigger had been pulled. Charred bits of doughnut and chunks of custard flew all over the Diner. "Hey, custard!" Dot said, licking her finger. "I love custard!" Everyone in the diner groaned. "What?"

***

A lowly peng--erm--chicken waddled its way around downtown Mainframe. He was on a mission. He held a rolled up newspaper under his arm, and he was going to use it... he just didn't know how or what for, yet. But he knew that the Command.Com would be in for it. The peng--erm--chicken blinked twice and walked off.

Chapter 6

The peng--erm--chicken turned down an alleyway. He looked around to make sure he wasn't being followed, then went through a doorway that led to his hideout. The bird clapped his wings together twice, and the lights came on. The place was lovely, really, especially considering he had only minored in interior design. The curtains and throw pillows were used effectively to accentuate the bold color scheme. All the furniture was modern, but avoided having that "sterile" look that all too often develops if the designer loses sight of the practical function. And he had tied the look of the whole room together with a gorgeous rug that had to be special ordered from one of the Baudway shops. Of course, all of this is pretty much irrelevant to the story at hand.

Leaving the newspaper on the coffee table (a brilliant marble with just the slightest art-deco feel to... oops. Also irrelevant. Never mind that.), the peng--erm--chicken walked off to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he reached up and pulled at his comb. The comb popped off easily, because it wasn't a chicken's comb at all. It was a red rubber glove. And the chicken wasn't a chicken at all. It was a penguin. THE penguin. Feathers McGraw.

Feathers waddled back into the living room, and opened the newspaper. All the stories were about the same thing. The first female Command.Com. Something would have to be done about that, and he would be the one to do it. But first he needed the proper equipment...

Opening his closet door (which had this great trim color that-- augh!) the penguin examined his wide range of supplies. He had to choose just the right thing for this project. He blinked thoughtfully as he considered each item in turn.

There was the instant webcreature (just add energy!), but Feathers thought that would be too messy.

There was the pair of giant robotic pants, but Feathers thought they had been used quite enough already.

There was the really big magnet, but it was stuck to the pair of giant robotic pants.

There was the tin of sardines, but that was his afternoon snack (and stuck to the really big magnet besides).

Then, on the very top shelf, Feathers saw just the thing he needed. Pulling over a chair (which will not be described, even though it did have delightful floral print that helped make the whole hideout feel more homey...) the penguin climbed up and grabbed a cardboard box. It rattled a bit as he hopped off of the chair and held it up to examine it in the light. Yes, this would be perfect.

***

Back at the diner, Matrix was down on his hands and knees scrubbing the linoleum. He turned to look at his sister, who was sitting in a nearby booth filing official paperwork.

"Do-ot," he whined, "do I really have to do this? I thought this sort of thing was Cecil's job."

Hearing this, the server zipped over. "How many times do I have to tell you? Cleanup is--"

"--not your function," Dot finished Cecil's sentence. "I know, and that's why I'm making Enzo take care of his own mess."

"It wouldn't have been such a big mess if it had been something decent like a cruller..." grumbled Matrix as he continued to clean.

Dot sighed. "Look, I've got a lot of work to do. And at the moment my office is--unavailable. So would you mind keeping the whole 'renegade' attitude down to a minimum?"

Matrix was just trying to think of how to respond without getting assigned more chores when the diner door swung open and a stranger walked in. At first Matrix thought it was just a very short man in a tuxedo, but he soon realized it was some sort of strange animal.

Feathers carefully entered, stepping around the custard-y mess on the floor and holding tight onto something that was covered with a pillowcase.

"How many in your party, sir?" Cecil asked. The penguin just blinked at him. The bird wasn't here for the energy shakes.

Spotting Dot in the booth, Feathers waddled over and stared at her until she glanced up from her work.

"Yes?" Dot asked the bird. "Can I help you?"

Feathers blinked.

"Are you lost?" she asked.

Feathers blinked again.

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

Feathers lifted the pillowcase-covered object onto the table in front of her. Dot looked at the object, looked at the penguin, and looked at the object again.

"Is this for me?"

Feathers blinked once more. Dot could see she wasn't going to get anywhere conversation-wise, and decided to just pull off the pillowcase to reveal the whatever-it-was. She was very surprised at what she saw.

"Why... Why it's me!" Dot gasped. "In macaroni!"

It was indeed. It was a sculpture of Dot, made entirely out of macaroni. From her macaroni hair to her macaroni boots. There was even a little macaroni plaque, where pasta pieces were meticulously arranged to spell out "THE NET'S GREATEST COMMAND.COM."

Dot turned back to the penguin. "Did you make this? How sweet! Thank you!"

Feathers blinked, and blushed slightly. He wasn't used to so much attention.

He was just a cameo character, after all.

Chapter 7

Dot zipped to the Principal Office as fast as she could, macaroni figure in hand, being careful not to drop it. Feathers was tagging along, hanging onto her leg, experimenting with her gun. With this wonderful work of art (the macaroni, not the penguin) she could finally make her point known to Phong, Bob, Matrix, AndrAIa, Mouse, Little Enzo, Emma Fee, that Toque binome, and everyone else in Mainframe.

When she arrived at her spherical destination, she dashed over to Phong, Bob, and the small no-longer-angry mob of tortured binomes. The penguin casually waddled in behind her.

"PHONG!" she exclaimed, holding the macaroni statue out in front of her as if it were some famous work of art.

Phong slowly turned from a pile of what used to be a metal detector. "Yes, my child?"

"I *am* appreciated!" She thrust the dehydrated-pasta replica of herself out farther. "This little penguin here made this for me!"

Bob leaned in close to take a good look at the Italian work of art. "Hm... it seems to be a figure of you made entirely out of dehydrated macaroni, exquisitely glued together to form your exact likeness, with a perfect arrangement of elbow macaroni to write a common, but special message of gratitude and admirement."

Phong, Dot, and Feathers all blinked.

Bob grinned. "What? I majored in English."

The macaroni statue was put up in the Principal Office and enshrined so that everyone could see it. Feathers was made honorary co-Command.Com. The pressure on Dot was soon lifted and all the citizens of Mainframe removed their blame and rudeness from her by making a public apology. Well, the male citizens did. This was especially necessary after someone had suddenly remembered that approximately half of the system's population was female and strongly supported Dot. There were practically riots in the aisles of the Holomark stores over the I'm-sorry-I-allowed-stereotypes-to-mislead-me-into-doubting-the-abilities-of-your-gender" cards.

Mouse, however, had just been appointed with the task of being the president of the Sauthern Accent School. The next day, the article made the front page of the Mainframe Tattler.

Mouse burst through the swinging doors at the diner so hard she nearly took them off their hinges. She spotted Bob and Matrix sitting at the counter, and hurried over to them. "Did you two see this?!" she asked, waving a copy of The Tattler at them.

Matrix took the paper and read aloud from the front page. "Massive protest planned against new Sauthern Accent School president."

The men exchanged a quick glance.

"No comment," Bob muttered.

"Yeah," said Matrix as he handed the paper back to Mouse. "I still have dishpan hands from the last time I got involved in this sort of thing."

Bob nodded at the renegade sympathetically. "Don't you just hate it when that happens? It's almost as bad as when your cream rinse makes your hair all flat and dull."

"Really?" Matrix asked. "You have that problem too?"

"Do I ever! Since I got back from the Web I've found that my old styling routine just doesn't work as well. But my hairdresser recommended this great conditioner that's been working wonders! Tell you what-- let's go over to the salon, and I'll introduce you."

Bob and Matrix walked out the door discussing the best ways to control frizziness.

"That's men for you," Mouse sighed.

THE END

(back)

Written by MG from a minor glitch.
and by Julia_Cat from Julia_Cat's ReBoot Corner.
Inspired by ReBoot from Mainframe Entertainment.
Read by ReBoot geeks from who-knows-where!