BobnDot's
Appointment with Charm

[We find MG in a white cyclorama. The space is completely empty except for a couch and a coffee table with a pink book on it.]

MG: Welcome! In a feat of self-indulgence even greater than my previous works, I shall now will a character directly out of the show and into my own realm. No, no, wait... Now that I think about it, I've done that before. But this time it'll be for an even more disruptive and ill-conceived purpose, so I guess that counts for something. [She pulls a small remote control from her pocket.] Dot Matrix, come on down!

[MG pushes a button on the remote. There's a flash of light, and Dot appears in the cyclorama.]

Dot: Hack, Slash-- I'll need you to take out the viral guards. But leave Megabyte to me.

[Blinking, Dot realizes she's no longer standing outside of the war room.]

Dot: What just happened? Am I dead, or...
MG: Psst! Over here.

[Dot turns and sees MG smiling at her.]

Dot: Oh, great. This is one of those "fan" thingies, isn't it?
MG: Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun. I was thinking we could have a little "girl talk."

[Dot puts her hand to her temple as if she feels a headache coming on.]

MG: I know you and Bob have been having your problems lately. [She picks up the pink book from the coffee table and hands it to Dot.] But thanks to this book--
Dot: [reading the title] "Appointment with Charm"?
MG: --I realized how to make it all better. You just have to get married!
Dot: [taken aback] Um... what?
MG: You need to marry Bob. As soon as possible. It'll fix everything.
Dot: That is the single stupidest idea I've heard in a long time. One, we are currently in the middle of a life-or-death struggle with several of my friends and family members being held hostage. Two, the emotional issues involved in my relationship with Bob are much more complex and deep-rooted than you seem to realize. Nothing is going to be resolved with some quick-fix attempt to wipe the slate clean. Three--
MG: Three, you're stuck here until I decide to send you home. So you pretty much have to do what I say and read the book.

[There is a long silence.]

MG: Well?
Dot: Omnipotence sucks.
MG: [consoling] I know, sweetie. But it can't hurt you to take a look. Just consider it a free vacation from your deadly battle with Megabyte.
Dot: [grumbling] Last time I heard that, I ended up with a lousy timeshare in a Palm Pilot.

[They sit on the couch. MG opens the book.]

Appointment with charm

Section A

LESSON I
"WITH THIS RING"

MG: It's from the Fifties! People were so happy in the Fifties!
Dot: Were you even born then?
MG: No... But I watch a lot of TVLand.
Dot: Riiight. [She scans the room.] So are you sure there isn't an exit somewhere around here?
MG: Do you want me to send you back into Megabyte's clutches, or do you want to learn how to spend the rest of your life cheerfully cooking, cleaning, and being a baby factory?
Dot: Um...
MG: Well?
Dot: I'm thinking.

YOUR home – your castle! The American home is democracy at its best.

Dot: "American home"? We're Canadian.
MG: Don't worry, that's still democracy at its best. But with fewer gun deaths.

With divided authority, divided responsibility, yet complete cooperation toward an ideal, each individual's highest interests are served.

Dot: Marriage sounds suspiciously like Communism.
MG: There's that Fifties mentality! Good for you!

It is the happy task of the homemaker to coordinate these interests.

Dot: Do you honestly expect to turn me into a happy homemaker?
MG: You can have a pretty apron. With ruffles.
Dot: No, thank you.
MG: But... but... the ruffles!

She alone can bring to the home that blessed spirit of peace and happiness bestowed by unselfish planning.

Dot: Oh, bliss! More unselfish planning! User knows I don't get to do enough of that.

If you are a bride you will want to begin the building of your home with every possible advantage that knowledge and forethought can give you.

Dot: For example, you wouldn't want to build it out of straw.
MG: I hear bricks are all the rage these days.

The radiance of your wedding day is still upon you.

Dot: I scrub and scrub, but it won't come off!

Those wonderful plans you made with your husband are now in the first stages of fulfillment.

Dot: What are you supposed to do if your "husband" neglects to mention that his "wonderful plans" involve a killing spree?
MG: Obsessing over your last wedding won't help us plan the next one any faster. Now, I'm thinking green Jordan almonds in blue tulle for favors. But that's just off the top of my head.

He will look to you to carry out the dreams you have made together to have a charming, happy home.

Dot: Why does being the woman mean I have to do all the work?
MG: That does seem rather unfair...
Dot: See, this sort of thing is exactly why Mom ran off and joined the circus after Enzo was born.

No one starts with greater advantage than a bride.

Dot: Not even Superman?
MG: Not even Superman.
Dot: Gosh.

The pattern of life you begin at this time can become, in truth, your "blueprint to happiness."

Dot: [sighing] And to think I used to enjoy blueprints.
MG: Oh, don't go getting all upset over this. We're modern, liberated gals.
Dot: Reading a book from the Fifties.
MG: Okay, granted. But we can figure something out.
Dot: Such as?
MG: Such as... We bring in Bob and make him be the woman!

[MG presses the button on her remote control again. There is a flash of light, and Bob appears.]

Bob: Okay, Matrix-- you can have the jelly-filled donut. But leave the cruller to me.

[Blinking, Bob realizes he's no longer in the P.O. break room.]

Bob: Huh. Am I dead again? That was fast.
MG: No, Bob, you're not dead. You can tell because the furniture's slightly nicer.
Bob: Alrighty then. Hey, Dot. [He waves.] I guess that means you're still alive, too! Good for you.
Dot: Thanks... I think.
Bob: What's up?
Dot: Crazy girl's making us read a book from the Fifties so we'll get married.
Bob: Okay.
Dot: You don't find that odd?
Bob: Eh. My life's been really weird lately.
Dot: Well, it's about to get weirder.
MG: [patting the couch cushion] Have a seat, Bob.

[Bob walks over and sits down next to Dot.]

MG: How do you feel about cooking, cleaning, and bearing children?
Bob: I'd rather pay someone else to do them for me. Especially that last one.
MG: The thing is, Dot can't be a housewife because she's got too much to do as Command.com.
Bob: So you want me to be the housewife?
MG: Exactly.
Bob: But I have a job, too.
MG: What, the "guardian" thing? Look-- Megabyte will either kill you or he won't. But what are you going to do after that?
Bob: I suppose that depends on whether I die or not...
MG: You need to plan for your future. Why not consider a career as a homemaker?
Bob: Even if I'm dead?
MG: Especially then.
Bob: That makes no sense.
MG: Huh. My high school guidance counselors used that speech on me all the time.
Bob: The speech about quitting your job as a guardian to become a zombie Donna Reed?
MG: Well, I'm paraphrasing. Their version had a lot more to do with why I should take French class.
Bob: [mumbling] Imbécile.
MG: What was that?
Bob: Nothing.
MG: [eyeing Bob suspiciously] Let's just get back to the book.

If you are one of the "older-married" group, you will already have under way many of the plans which were started earlier.

Dot: For example, the "killing Megabyte" plan.
Bob: Uh, the plan was actually to convert him into a sprite.
Dot: Oh. Right. Remind me how I let you talk me into that one?

New situations, however, must always be met.

Bob: [with English accent] I once met a situation with a wooden leg named Smith.

Your growing family, your husband's changing business relations, perhaps a change of residence

Dot: A visit from a religious cult that tries to blow up your home with eggs...
Bob: The sudden appearance of an evil twin...

– all these will bring questions for which you must find a solution.

MG: Or a convenient deus ex machina ending. Whatever works.

You will profit

Dot: Hmm? What about profit?
Bob: That always wakes her up.
MG: I'll remember that for when we get to the sleep deprivation portion of this lesson.
Bob: [nervous] Sleep deprivation?
MG: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That's not 'til Lesson II.

by checking your progress, and by adopting ideas

Bob: If we are going to get married, I should ask you-- how do you feel about adopting ideas?
Dot: To be honest, I'd always planned on having my own.
Bob: But there are so many needy ideas in the world, just waiting for someone to love them!

that fit into the pattern of your home life.

Dot: A camouflage pattern fits in anywhere.
MG: Except, you know... places that aren't in the woods.
Bob: Maybe so, but Dot sure looked cute in that blue camouflage outfit she used to wear.
Dot: Thanks! That's so sweet of... Wait. Does that mean you mean you could see me?

If you are a career woman, you have every bit as great a challenge.

Bob: I used to be a career woman.
MG: But now you can have something just as good as a career-- an apron!
Bob: With ruffles?
MG: Of course!
Bob: Yay!

You will want to create just the proper background for yourself and your friends.

Dot: What background do you envision for us and our friends, Bob?
Bob: I'm still torn between "Autumn Trail" and "Traditional Grey."
Dot: Let's use one for the 8x10s, and one for the wallet-size.

A home in which you are truly content, in which you can live and entertain graciously, is one of the greatest advantages that a business girl can give herself.

Dot: Business savvy, leadership ability, and a brain all come in at a distant second place.

Make your home a bulwark against the stress of the world outside!

Bob and Dot: [snickering]
MG: What? What's so funny?
Bob: "Bulwark."
Dot: And it sounds funnier every time you say it! Bulwark, bulwark, bulwark, bulwark...
Bob: Hee.
MG: [scolding] Don't make me separate you two.
Dot: This from the girl who insists we get hitched.

With these thoughts in mind, AMERICAN HOSTESS CORPORATION is happy to present to you this first of a series of lessons, "Appointment with Charm."

Bob: Ooh, sweet! Does that mean we get Twinkies?
MG: No, that's a different Hostess Corporation.
Bob: Aww...
MG: Be a good housewife, and I'll take you out for ice cream.

What is charm?

Dot: I've been told it has something to do with pink hearts, green clovers, and purple horseshoes.

One of its definitions is, somewhat quaintly, "to subdue or overcome by that which gives pleasure."

Bob: Yeah, this stuff is real useful. I suppose we can just go back and "charm" Megabyte.
Dot: Do have another cup of tea, Meggy.
Bob: Did you try the crumpets? They're quite good.
Dot: Oh, and would you mind not hunting us down and killing us like a madman?
Bob: We'd appreciate it ever so much.
Dot: But only if it's not too much trouble.
Bob: We wouldn't want to put you out.

We must keep in mind that charm is a quality that gives pleasure to others.

Bob: In clinical trials, charm worked effectively to give pleasure to others in 87% of cases. Rare but serious side effects have been reported. Charm may cause kidney failure, vision loss, irregular heartbeat, and/or uncontrolled vomiting. Ask your doctor for more information and a free sample.

Charm must be a composite of love, knowledge, and work.

Bob: I'll take work and you can do knowledge. We'll trade off love on a bi-weekly basis.
Dot: Check.
MG: I don't think that's what they meant...

When we earnestly desire to make our homes a stronghold of gracious living, we will

Dot: ...buy Kevlar doilies.

seek the knowledge of what material factors are influences toward charm.

MG: Hold on. There's something troubling me.
Dot: Is it the implication that the road to happiness is paved with material possessions?
MG: No, I'm wondering how Bob knew about Donna Reed.
Bob: I watch a lot of TVLand.

Love and knowledge must be implemented by work and planning.

Bob: It sounds so corporate.
Dot: Memo to all marriage staff: Effective immediately, our love-implementation team will be undergoing massive restructuring. Also, our knowledge department is seeking temps.

In creating an overall effect of charm, a little work and careful planning can often take the place of a great deal of money.

Dot: And if you happen to have a great deal of money...?
Bob: You buy your hubby a big screen TV.
Dot: Buy your own TV. Don't they pay you for being a guardian?
Bob: I-- I'm not sure. I never thought to ask.

An architect cannot build charm into a home.

MG: Frank Lloyd Wright could.
Bob: Isn't he dead?
MG: Fine. Frank Lloyd Wright could come back from the dead, and somehow acquire a robot body. Then he could build charm into a home.
Dot: Now you're being more realistic about it.

Possessions cannot instill it.

Dot: Especially Bob's possessions.
Bob: Hey!
Dot: I'm sorry, but it's true. We're not getting married until you have a garage sale.

Charm is the result of our own personality through the medium of material things, plus our loving interest and desire to please others.

Bob: "Charm" sounds a lot like the pathetic friend who gives you stuff just so you'll hang out with them.

Every career needs certain "tools of the trade,"

Bob: Or, if you're a guardian, you only need one "keytool of the trade." Heh.
Dot: What about all the guardians without keytools?
MG: They don't get their own TV shows, for starters.

and since making a charming home is a career, there are certain basic needs which must go into it.

Bob: I'm thinking "robot butler."

Let us look at a checklist of home needs. Certainly, in preparing such a list, personal preferences must be taken into consideration.

MG: Consider them pointless, and buy what's on the list.

The lists presented to you here are standard guides for shopping, based on the sound thought that

Dot: ...you have no taste whatsoever.
Bob: Hmph. You said you liked my hula girl lamp.
Dot: That was while we were trapped in that mind-numbing cycle of ambiguous flirting. I said a lot of things.

it is ever so much easier to extend your charming hospitality if you know that your equipment is adequate.

All: [burst out laughing]
MG: [wiping away a tear] Don't say anything, okay? If we start in on that sentence, we'll never make it through the rest of this thing.

If your budget is not quite up to your aspirations in this regard, take heart!

Dot: Literally! Selling other people's organs is a great way to raise some quick cash.

Just keep your plans steadily in mind. The important thing is to get started NOW!

Bob: Plan like crazy, but do it instantaneously.
Dot: Is that even possible?
Bob: If it is, we've wasted way too much time debating the "planning" versus "spontaneity" issue.

Our plans of today will become our achievements of tomorrow!

Dot: And the failures of tomorrow can be yours now in today's yesterday!
MG: Why do I suddenly feel like I'm at EPCOT Center?

HOW TO USE THIS CHECK-LIST

Dot: I'm guessing we go through and mark off what we already have.
MG: You catch on fast.

[MG rips the check-list pages from the book.]

MG: We'll split them up. Dot, you get Bed and Bath. Bob, you take Beyond.

[MG hands a stack of pages to Dot, and a stack to Bob. Bob gets to work filling out his check-lists while Dot reads hers over.]

Dot: Yikes. There's way too much stuff on this list. What kind of linen-obsessed people need to own this many bed sheets?
MG: Well, you have to remember when this book was printed. Some couples still slept in separate beds, so that doubled the number of sheets they needed.
Dot: Apparently it also doubled the number of pillowcases, bedspreads, mattress pads, winter weight blankets, summer weight blankets, blanket covers, comforters, mattress protectors... The list just goes on.
MG: Don't worry, dealing with all that stuff is really the wife's job anyway. Speaking of which-- Hey, Bob, how's it going?
Bob: I'm partway through the first kitchen check-list-- here. [He hands the list to MG.]

KITCHEN EQUIPMENT

I will need	I now have
Stove, sink, refrigerator	GLITCH
Electric mixer	GLITCH
Toaster	GLITCH
Waffle iron, grille	GLITCH
Kitchen clock	GLITCH
Waste basket, step-stool	GLITCH
Bread box and board	GLITCH
Dishpan and drainer	GLITCH
Coffeemaker	GLITCH
Teakettle	12
Pressure cooker	GLITCH
Double boiler	GLITCH

MG: Ooookay. I can see where this is going. Why don't we go back to the book for now, and you two can finish the checklists as homework.

Without a doubt, a home is full of a number of things –

Dot: Booths, a jukebox, a shake machine...
MG: Aha! So you do live in the Diner.
Dot: [ashamed] Enzo sleeps in the dishwasher.

and these lists really look quite impressive.

Bob: Apparently people were much easier to impress in the Fifties.
MG: The Slinky was a big seller.

But remember that when a girl marries these days, she no longer need bring with her an enormous dowry of money, as was once the fashion.

Bob: Aww... No dowry?
MG: You're the girl, Bob.
Bob: Oh, right. In that case-- whoohoo! No dowry!

Only her own charming self,

Bob: If she's already charming, what's the point of this book?
Dot: Good question.
MG: Hey! No thinking! I never said you were allowed to think!

plus the items from this list which her pride – and her pocketbook – dictate.

[There is a silent pause.]

MG: Did you just stop to imagine a talking wallet, too?
Bob: Uh-huh.
Dot: Yep.
MG: Just checking.

But here's a hint to young brides-to-be,

Dot: ...always sign a prenuptial agreement. I'm going to be paying Megabyte alimony for the rest of my life.

and to young ladies who are building their "hope chests."

Bob: Did you ever have a hope chest?
Dot: Only up until Season 3.
MG: Don't make me get out the mini electric keyboard to do rimshots. 'Cause I will.

When you announce your wedding, there'll no doubt be the usual round of showers and gift-parties.

Dot: Wait-- "gift-parties"? Why didn't I get any gift-parties before my last wedding?
Bob: Hey, I didn't even get a shower. That orange doctor did give me a sponge bath, though...

There's no reason why you should get 6 gravy ladles and no sugar spoon . . . or 3 toasters and nary a waffle iron . . .

Bob: ...or 78 fondue pots but only half a blender.
Dot: ...or a barrel of pickles, 2 ferrets, and some pocket lint instead of an interstellar spacecraft.

if you manage properly.

Bob: The truly charming hostess knows exactly what gifts she'll receive years before she receives them.

Keep a careful watch over your check-list,

MG: You never know when it might be stolen by a sophisticated international ring of thieves.
Dot: And then how would you know how many shrimp forks you need?

and when folks ask what you still need for your new home, give them an honest answer.

Bob: Robot butler. Robot butler!

You can actually get a very dear friend . . . perhaps your prospective maid-of-honor

Dot: ...to wear a hideous dress you originally intended as a joke. True story.

. . . to engineer the showers for you and attain a nicely balanced group of household gifts.

Bob: The gifts should not only be balanced, but also well-rounded.
Dot: And good citizens.
MG: I prefer gifts that have performed community service and participated in at least two extracurriculars.

It is especially important that she should know your china, silver, and glassware pattern, and where it can be gotten.

Bob: I'm only missing one "The Search for Spock" collector's cup. And I'm pretty sure you can get that on eBay.

Older marrieds, too, will do well to check actual inventory against this list from time to time.

Dot: Like after we sell Bob's geek cups at the garage sale.

Some few folks feel, for instance, that the proper time to replace a sheet is when the toe comes through the old one!

Bob: I usually replace a sheet once the sandwich crumbs have started to attract bugs.
Dot: I'm beginning to see a good side to the separate beds idea...

Now you will probably never die of frost-bitten toes if you follow such a theory,

Bob: You can die of frost-bitten toes?

but it's ever so much better to keep a pace or two ahead of your actual needs.

Bob: I'm starting by buying extra wool socks.

After several decades of homemaking, our "early matrimonial" acquisitions frequently look a bit dated

Bob: For example, I think we should get rid of that picture of you kissing Glitch Bob.
Dot: "Glitch Bob" was you.
Bob: I know, but... It's still creepy to look at.

and are actually often quite inadequate. It's like starting the honeymoon all over again to set the table with sparkling new silver and china.

Bob: Look, honey-- new salad bowls!
Dot: Take me now, you sexy thing!

And you'll find your "charm-quotient" increasing by leaps and bounds after such a gesture,

Dot: I bet I know a few gestures that would decrease my "charm-quotient..."
MG: Settle down. We're almost done with this lesson.

because you'll feel like Mme. Royalty herself, presiding at dinnertable of family or friends.

Bob: We decree that Sir Enzo shall have no dessert until he has finished his broccoli.

If you live alone and like it, you probably lead a well-organized, orderly life,

Bob: That's true.

[Dot gives him a look.]

Bob: What?
Dot: Putting all of your dirty dishes in the bathtub and pulling the curtain shut does not qualify as "well-organized."

and the idea of a check-list against which to weigh your possessions will appeal to you.

Bob: I suspect this book's check-list weighs more than all my possessions combined.

Also, there is always the possibility that some day someone might come along who will convince you that two can live as happily (if not as cheaply) as one,

MG: Someone like me! I can make anyone get together.
Dot: So... Do you consider yourself a romantic, or more of a mad scientist?
MG: Little bit of both. Just ask the penguin I talked into marrying that giraffe.

and you'll find it no problem at all to transform yourself into a gracious married lady of the house

Dot: Transformers: gracious married ladies in disguise.
Bob: They could turn into tea trays and vacuum cleaners!
MG: I would buy that toy in a heartbeat.

if you already own the material essentials given in the check-lists.

Bob: And a husband.
Dot: That's on check-list number two.
Bob: Wow. Thorough.

Thus our very first Appointment with Charm, through a check-list of needs,

Bob: Is obsessively mentioning the check-list on the check-list?

sets for us the very background against which we shall play our part as homemaker and hostess.

Dot: All the world's a stage, and its people merely sprites caught up in a shotgun wedding scenario.

May you always have an adequate "supporting cast"!

Dot: Hey, speaking of our supporting cast...
Bob: Do you think we should go see if they're still alive?
MG: Since this lesson is over, I guess you can go. But--
Bob: ...you'll yank us out of our lives and make us come back here for more of this whenever you feel like it. Blah, blah, blah, evil threat, evil threat, evil threat. We get it.

[MG shuts the book.]

Dot: As long as you're sending us back, why not do us a favor at the same time? You could beam us right into the war room so we can get the drop on Megabyte.
MG: Hmm... You know, I don't think I ought to do that. I wouldn't want to interfere with the natural course of your lives.

[MG pushes a button. Bob and Dot disappear in a flash of light.]

MG: [cheerful] Such a cute couple. I really hope they're not disemboweled too horribly.

(back)

Appointment with Charm was produced by The American Hostess Corporation.
Other content written by MG from a minor glitch.
(But this one's ultimately all Daisy's fault when you get right down to it.)
Inspired by ReBoot from Mainframe Entertainment.
Read by ReBoot geeks from who-knows-where!